Mike Richards
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...and what are you going to swear for us tonight?
posted Thursday, 28 May 2009
I try not to watch Britain’s Got Talent. Not because I am a TV snob and only watch the British Broadcasting Corporation and couldn’t possibly watch anything with advertisements amidst the programming, but because I am partly jealous. I would like to go on it, but wouldn’t really know what to do. I am quite good at several things, but not proficient at any one thing not to receive a single (let alone treble) X from either Messrs Cowell & Morgan and Ms Dennis (or whatever she’s called these days). I won a medal for darts when I was 12 – 40 years on, if I don’t stop eating a load of shit, I’ll be the same size as Andy Fordham – but not as good at darts. I can sing, but can’t remember the words. If I were to be Susan Boyle I’d sing in tune OK but will start singing “I dreamed a dream of times gone…” there would be a pause and then I’d say “bugger”. Victor Hugo would turn in his grave. I can swear, but that has its limits and I can’t see me going through the knock-out stages and finally ending up in front of the Queen. She wouldn’t be impressed if I simply said “wanker” and the such like for five minutes. I can’t juggle. Having varifocals makes that impossible. Even if I had 20/20 vision I still have a fear of plates, skittles and burning torches – so that’s right out. I’m not strong so couldn’t pick up someone called Delores clad only in a bikini by a single earlobe. I am white and therefore cannot dance – let alone wearing a small hat and pounding about on my arse and back to the latest Drum ‘n’ Base tune! I shall give it some thought, stop swearing, start having singing lessons and concentrate on hitting double 16 whilst juggling a woman in a bikini by only my false teeth (which I shall have by the time I am mad enough to go onto the show and have established which one is Ant and which one Dec).
Leave a message and help an only child! (1)
1. rufus left...
Monday, 13 July 2009 3:34 pm
milky bar kid...
it's not true that you have insufficient talent. on a number of occasions
you have made me laugh more than any so-called professional comedians.