Just popping down to Tesco to have a kidney removed - or why I'm looking forward to having my 50th birthday celebrations at Dr Kwikfits

Lord Charles, or hare-coursing apparent King Reg as we will soon be calling him when his mum gives up her day job, has suggested we should exercise more before we all end up like a beached bottle-nosed whale. When I win the 100 million Euro lottery

People searching on Google for this blog will never find it as one of my main sponsors is the Sun Yat Sen dairy in Epsom. Also there is a link on the favourites column from here to Falun Carrington Colby Gong, the banned Chinese spiritual movement.

The newspapers will soon be running headlines the opposite of 'Phew! Wot a scorcher!' as the cold snap travels from the steppes of Russia and whistles up the steps to your outside toilet. The weather plays many tricks on peoples' minds and with this

The England Football Association will be looking for another Swede to lead their team into future footballing Agincourts. Perhaps Bjorn & Benny, so the singing on the bus will be harmonic? Ingmar Bergman, so a depressing film could be made after Engl

The Queen Mary 2 (she’s back - and this time she’s going to keep her head on) may have a re-enactment of the Charles Laughton classic Mutiny on the Bounty (the story of a group of sailors who cannot decide who’s going ashore to get the chocolat

Today is Epiphany in the Tooting Orthodox Church and despite it being minus 30 degrees over the weekend, the ritual of clearing turds out of the lido on Tooting Bec Common will still be taking place. Bring your own hammer and sickle to break the ice

I’ve never been in a pub with an elephant before, but this could becoming a reality as Russian elephants are trained to drink giant vodka shots enabling them to keep warm in the Russian winter and take advantage of extended UK pub licensing hours.

I got on the wrong bus yesterday so this blog is coming to you en route to Pluto. Calling at Goofy, Mickey and Minnie. The government are to set up “small-scale sex houses” or “mini-brothels” – quite handy during this current cold snap.

Interstellar dust is about to return to Earth ostensibly to show that there could have been life before Earth, but in reality will simply demonstrate that Martians, and other forms of life outside our small planet, never possessed a mop, J-cloths or

I am at that age where it is easy to forget and as from tomorrow I shall be forgetting, for seven years to pay my council tax. I have a grace and favour potting shed in Epsom and will spending the next seven years cultivating my clematis. I am look

Dart players Andy Fordham and Bobby George (he was governor of the Bank of England before he took up darts) are to feature on a government programme to better mental arithmetic and to encourage people to become more numerate. All you need is a piece

I assume Balham came 11th in Frommer’s “Must-see places” as the top ten published today included Matador County, California – home to gemstones and gold deposits, and the Kenyan game parks (obviously the authors had never been to “Chessingt

It was a bright cold day in January (sic) and the clocks were striking thirteen. Michael Barrymore, (who I think, played the child in ET) his chin nuzzled into Jodie Marsh’s breast in an attempt to escape the vile wind, slipped quickly through the

Scientists in Germany have discovered dinosaurs (terrible skin) would not be able to have picked up high-pitched screams. This is one of the reasons why hoards of them never slept upside down in caves or could round up sheep. Human screaming would

If you were heading for Devon today to partake of a local cream tea washed down by a wild boar sausage, forget it, because £300,000 worth of scones have been freed by clotted cream activists. If you are in the depths of one of the Devonian Moors, d

My New Year’s resolution to become more intellectual than Bertrand Russell (or his twin children Darcy and Jack) failed miserably last night on Day 2 of the New Year. I though I would improve my word power and gen up generally on etymology (even t

I am now regretting converting to Ukrainian Gas.  I have, to avoid early New Year’s hypothermia setting in, set light to several of my children.  A small punishment for not organising Santa to supply me with this year’s Beano an