If you’re stuck on the motorway, don’t worry, because the last place your man at the AA is going to be is stuck on the toilet.  The AA announced their employees’ breaks must only last 82 minutes.  So, if there’s an amoebic dysentery outbrea

Six Bulgarian beavers were released into the wild in Britain yesterday.  Surely this is how the Black Death started?  Merchants from Bulgaria wearing coats made out of beavers who had had very bad colds, selling dirty postcards of their heavily-bea

Elk, moose (animal, not strawberry), wild horses and beavers will soon be rampaging though a high street near you.  Animals, not seen on these shores since before the 10th Century, are to be re-introduced into old farmlands.  If this works, do not

A CD featuring classic RSC productions is now available.  I shall buy one and download it as my answer phone message.  “I’m not able to get to the phone at the moment as I am about to, once more, close up the wall with our English dead.  If yo

Fat people are less likely to be employed over thin people, a personnel institute has discovered.  This would never happen in my office as the recipients of Miss Selfridge’s Petite vouchers rather than money will bear testimony.The next head of Fe

Celebrations focussed around Nelson’s column at the weekend.  Nothing’s changed in 200 years, as that was what Lady (sic) Emma Hamilton was doing prior to the Admiral getting his ferry to Trafalgar.I seemed to have missed out on the latest batch

200 years ago every man was doing their duty – unless they suffered from seasickness or only had one eye on a piece of oncoming shot, got killed and therefore not setting a good example to other crew members.  Now, off the coast of Cape Trafalgar

David Copperfield – the magician, not the book – is promising to impregnate women in his audience, but not by using normal methods.  Been done, me old son, just read John Wyndham’s “The Midwich Cuckoos.”  Keep to moving great walls of Chi

£3.47 million is all you need, living in London, to have a millionaire’s lifestyle. By some strange coincidence I actually have £3.47 of loose change in my Burberry clutch-bag, so I’m a millionth of the way there. This weekend I shall be emba

In 24 hours’ time Conservative MPs would have started to vote for their chosen new leader.  Four people – mostly named David – have today to impress their fellow peers (none of whom are life or Southend piers) that it should be their vote whic

Yesterday was I recruited to MI6 so there was no blog.  I had to have a series of tests: had I got a pen which can implode, thus rendering any Stasi official slightly deaf in one ear? Do I know the Russian for potato?  And could I write a 200 word

Tiny people living in a remote Indonesian island 18,000 years ago were cooks, scientists from the Delia Smith University of Wagga Wagga have discovered (I may have read that wrong).  And how has this been ascertained? Have the scientists/archaeologi

I was never allowed to use scissors as a child and have only recently been permitted to drink out of a glass, but the inflammable potential of plasticine has passed the succession of carers I have had over the years completely by.  Strange, because

Ich heisse Mike, ich wohne in Epsom, ich möchte neun Biere bitte.  England, or Eng-ger-land if all your T-shirts sport a Union Jack, are off to Germany in June for the World Cup Finals. No doubt everyone departing these shores will be wanting to le

Today’s blog will feature items about Black Beauty, kissing boys and going to gymkhanas.  The reason being that a recent poll has discovered that 14-21 girls are more likely to use the Internet for their newsgathering and communication and many bl

Move over Harry Potter, Mary Magdalene and Spot the Dog, as the next best seller to hit our bookshops is on its way in the form of an Australian diet book called the Total Well Being Diet, Mate (they may drop the “mate” suffix for UK audiences).

I do it; BBC Radio 5 live talks about people doing it; even David Davis, the Tory Party leader hopeful does it.  The subject is this very thing –a blog or web log if you haven’t got a cold.  I have been on David Davis’ blog and was disappoint