The taller of the two used to play for Wimbledon (he was a the rabbit running round the edge of the dog track), the smaller person (who smoked a lot as a child) has been coached by me and shares my mobile home. Who needs Kaka!?

2006 was a turbulent year if you lived on the outskirts of southern England suburbia - but only if you stayed awake.

Not much to do when you're delayed at airports. But I now have a badge which says "Mick, here to help" - ant=ything to supplement my meagre income.

Ever wondered what the true meaning of those Carols are which you'll be singing? Your author gives you a two and a half minute guide. Gawd bless yer, Tiny Tim

If you're on the ship finding different fish every week then you'll be needing more maggots!

This isn't patois for the place where the locals go topless, it is a gentle warning that if you're travelling - have nothing in your clear bag - if it's going to vibrate, then it must be smaller than 100ml