Robbie Williams joins famous celebratories with involvement with football clubs. Perahps innumerate David Beckham should take up singing?

Trouble for David in the Beckham household as his six year-ol'd maths is beyond him

100 foot high high beaver fossils have been found in China. Scientists are demanding a rethink on evolution. Whatever next? Beavers doing adverts for PG Tips?

Blackpool invites would-be croupiers to start studying the art at school. It's a long way from knock-out whist

Dognapping is the latest craze. Less dangerous than those clacking things which broke your wrists, I suppose.

Avian Flu becomes ever more imminent. There are, however, for us insular islanders, a way of avoiding it and here is my guide (yet to be given FDA approval): Do not feed the birds; Certainly do not feed the ducks – especially ducks that migrate;

Your favourite programme won't be on today - but there's lots of curling to watch

For under £300 a model company will replicate you. You supply a photo and simply lie about the amount of body fat you have. You'll never have to look in the mirror again

Eton and Harrow will be the next Chas 'n' Dave. I know this, because Lavrenty Beria told me

Sir Walter Raleigh will be turning in his smoke-filled grave with the future banning of his tobacco. His potatoes will be the next victim.

Identity cards will be here in 2008. Make sure you've done your hair.

The fireworks at the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics were the best bit as I have failed to be selected from the Epsom & Ewell Tobaganning Squad to travel to Turin.

Frankie Valli sung about the Summer of '63. He was taling about 863 when the first hosepipe ban came into force.

Just when you've learned how to spell Diplodocus - another one comes along

I have been bowling leg breaks since I was five, I do not possess a six-pack and know where the Indian embassy is, ready to queue up for my visa. So how disappointed was I when Ian Blackwell, the rotund Somerset spinner got the nod over me to tour w

Purple powder is so passe with political protesters. Famous dead people; new animals; foreign games and the odd turd. All in today's edition.

Today is the most popular day for ringing in sick. If you're not ill - Big Brother's watching you - and he's got his gloves on.

More men are listening to Woman's Hour. So, lads, get those knitting needles down from the loft!

Aggrieved at not being in "New Woman's" Top 100 Sexiest Men, I am thinking of emigrating to Pluto - and then this news happened...!

10 books to read before you leave school - apart from "Making up O-levels you haven't got"