Knife in the back, knife in the hand and the song Wunderbar. Be grateful for Thames Mudlarks.

Geography's not as popular as it was in schools. This piece, which will be submitted later this week to "The Lancet" shows why.

Feel like Neil Armstrong for an evening and make use of that outside toilet - star gazing. It'll teach you not to have installed Sky.

Cheating is all around, as Wet Wet Wet would have sung. It needs to be nipped in the bud and it starts in the home. Well, in the garden, actualy.

An unfortunate series of events whilst young pohibits any interest in athletics.

If your buidling says it's sick - it's having you on. And if it's French - it might just walk off

Never mind smokers and drinkers - here's a list of people the nail-biting Chancellor should tap up for a few bob.

Without feigning the earlier symptoms of consumption many commuter trains force people to stand. Here are a few tips on how to get that seat without stuffing a cushion up your dress or sprinkling talc on your head and walking with s atick.

A survey suggests some household items aren't as popular as they used to be

Sing-along-a-Mick today on the 6.18 from Epsom. They love it really - they just choose to snarl at me.

All I want for Christmas is a new Black & Decker workmate I can take on trains

Happy Birthday perms. Madonna (the singer, not the woman from Lourdes - home of cricket) are sporting this centurion of hair-do's.

Old programmes disguised as new programmes for the BBC. Most of it on ice.

Today I have collected ten items on my way to work. All free or money off. If this carries on I shall retire next Tuesday.

Crufts has come to an end. Eight out of ten owners prefer to give ther dogs inane names.

More in "Micky's Guide to simple science" - part 69 - Vietnamese pot-bellied rat.

No Smoking Day today - so put that crack pipe down

The Pope's got a brand new iPod. Wasn't that a song by The Wurzels?

£800 is the average earning of children in the UK. Wasn't like that in my day. when threepenny bits meant money.

Long hospital waiting list? All you need is a trip to B&Q, Threshers and a have at least one friend who hasn't got the DTs and all your worries will be over. All over your lounge carpet!

Numbers can be very complex things - especially if you can't get past the number two.

Lent is upon us again. Then it'll be Holy Week, Eatser, tedious Trinity for a decade, then Advent and then a few shopping days left for Christmas. I'd like chocolate, please