Three things I have spotted for my I-Spy book.

Karoakes in churches? I'll be needing a lot more than Communion wine before you get me up the front singing "Away in a manger"

The 1841 UK census has just been released. You can check whether your house was built on the grounds of a demolished stately home, lavender fields or just an old swamp in Kennington.

Cholesterol level at 7.5 - a new diet has been enforced on Mr Fussfart. This weekend I shall be selling half-eaten tins of Hob Nobs.

What better start to the day if you're 80, than a slap up Big Boy's Breakfast down a local greasy spoon. Our man with a dirty towel over his arm spots Her Majesty tucking into some English fayre.

Do you know how many times you look at your watch? It's only when you haven't got one you realise. Also, did you know you have a pulse in youur wrist? And who's phone number is that on the palm of my hand?

The UK is soon to reintroduce many thought-to-be extinct animals back into the wild. Soon you'll be cycling through your park only to be attacked by herds of dodoes. And this time they'll be angry.

A weekend of culture for me. Let me share some of it with you. And if you don't like classical music - turn that bleedin' radio down!

Skint? Make yourself look old and troop off down to Guildford Cathedral - there's an old girl giving out free money

In need of a sun tan? Then Venus has all the amenities you'll need and you won't need to bring a jumper just in case.

The cafe down my street has failed to make it into the World's 50 best restaurants. And this on a day when cockneys are becoming a thing of the past. Lord love a duck.

The Queen could be coming to a street near you as she reaches 80. Make sure you've washed and have the kettle on.

The Nazi uniform has been discarded and a new thong put in its place. Britian's answer to The Simpsons steps out again. This time it's in Slough. John Betjemen would have been horrified.

Scientists have discovered it was something like an alligator which provided the link from water to earth. So that spoils the Ursula Andress theory.

What have the Danish ever given us? Little furry animals found in Philippines. Ah, how sweet. Until they contract Bubonica Pestis.

Happy birthday, as Stevie Wonder once sung. A self-indulgant blog today. Make the most of it - tomorrow normal service will be restored. Actually, it depends how you're defining the word "normal"

Tooting Bec Common could be the new Wembley. With a mug of tea and buttock akimbo I show you how

101 things to do at University - 102 if you've got an old chopper.