Will Hay would have turned in his signalbox grave.  Trains are slower now than they were in the 1980s and some lines are worse than when Queen Victoria was on the throne (that’s the monarchical one and not the euphemism for toilet, because royalty

Two ex-WW2 Japanese soldiers have been discovered on a remote island in the Philippines.  The first thing they asked, when reunited with 21st Century civilisation?  “Has anyone normal gone into Big Brother 6?” 

It was when I discovered I already had two 4s in the square already was when I lost my temper with today’s Sudoku.  I had struggled from Epsom to just outside Vauxhall, entertaining the other passengers with the overture to Wagner’s “Tannhause

A new Lassie film is being made, but the collie destined to be the new Lassie (the star of 1943 hit film, “Lassie Come Home” has long been residing in that big dog kennel in the sky) will not be doing any of its own stunts.  The canine equivalen

The Holy Grail (rhyming cockney slang for our East End readers) reported today that we spend three times less laughing than we did in the 1950s.  They say this is a stress-induced thing, but I believe it is because “Much Binding in the Marsh” is

Laura Bush, not content with her job as First Lady and stand-up comic, is now appearing in (albeit the Egyptian version) Sesame Street, or Alam Simsim (didn’t he used to play for Leeds?) as it is called there.  Although the programme is in Arabic,

Today saw a 24-hour strike at the BBC.   I was unaware, just out of the Land of Nod, of this this morning as I listened to Radio 5 Live (well, not quite) wondering why a half-hour documentary (not including any travel bulletins) on Cassius Clay (I

“Estonia, twelve points.”  “L’Estonie, douze points.”  Why not?  You’re another Baltic state, I can’t remember the song - did it involve lots of pointless drumming?  Was that actually your nation

Having spent the past six years looking at the logistics of opening a branch of Tesco on Neptune, I returned late last night and thought I must switch on News at Ten to catch up on current affairs.  I see Alistair Burnett has left the show and is no

Charlie Chaplin’s suit has been sold at auction for £3,500.  First worn in 1914 (knitted for him in the trenches at Mons out of discarded rats) it has probably seen better days.  However, in these days of “dress-down” – much vaunted in the

Tall, skinny, frothy, wet, damp, moist, vanilla, cinnamon, horse chestnut Lattes are taking over from our traditional cups of tea here in Britain.  That and cups of tea made out of medieval potions, rather than a packet of something from India.  A

My evenings are complete again as I no longer have to sit and struggle with “The Sun’s” coffee-break Su Doku – which offers 9 numbers in each horizontal and vertical line - as yesterday I witnessed the advent of “Celebrity Love Island”. 

Radio 1 is to have swingeing cuts.  Major outside broadcasts will have less coverage than before.  This could involve a Radio 1 DJ being inside a phone box in Wells holding the mouthpiece in the direction of Chas ‘n’ Dave – or whoever they ge

Rolf Harris will be celebrating the Queen’s 80th birthday by painting her portrait.  The actual painting will be televised, thus creating “Changing Rooms” meets “The Paul Hogan Show”. Rolf (I bought “Two Little Boys” because I’d hear

Last week the Beast of Green Drive began to terrorise a Lancashire suburb.  The monster has been described as being tall, huge ears and a lolloping gait.  Down south we call that a donkey.  I remember as a child spending many happy, blindfolded ho

Hoodies and baseball caps are to be banned at south-east London’s premier shopping centre, Bluewater.  I hope this is the first of many things banned there, as I would like to see people in purple shell suits also refused entry (I have some in oth

A 2000 year-old shoe has been found in a Somerset quarry.  A prince will be going round the Mendips later looking for the owner of the other one.  Let’s hope she’s washed.  The shoe size is between nine and ten.  Considering everyone was quit

I left school with one O-level (English Literature – if it had have been maths I could have told you the success rate of one in seven expressed as a percentage (nearly 90%, I think)), re-took four and got a 25% success rate (or one quarter if you a

Jose Mourinho (a type of sheep, perhaps? my comedy mentor suggested at lunch today) has insisted that all his players must live within three miles radius of their training ground at Cobham, which is in sleepy, unfootball-like Surrey.  The residents

“Scottish Nationalist Party romp home in Epsom & Ewell” was the headline adorning the front of the Epsom & Ewell Packet (I read it for the decorating tips).  I imagine my surprise, whilst being out of the country for three days, to retur

Don’t go into your local chippie tonight and ask for "lampreys and chips, please," because they are on the verge of extinction.  A one-time favourite of Henry I and King John (he tucked into some during the signing of Magna Carta (Big Ha

So, after 150 years, surgeons are going to call themselves “Dr” rather than “Mr”. This causes me a moral dilemma as the people in the café where I work (I also work near Bart’s) think I am a surgeon.  Rather than calling me “sir”, I i

First Lady, Mrs Laura Bush (former librarian, which might explain why suddenly she’s taken up the family mantle of stand-up comic) tells us the President of the USA is invariably in bed before nine o’clock at night. Meanwhile she goes out with Mr

A new planet (outside our solar system) with the catchy name of 2M1207b (where is 2M1207a, I wonder?) has been photographed.  It is supposed to be 5 times larger than Jupiter and therefore considerably bigger than Crawley.  However, the pictures of