Never have a dinosaur as a neighbour

Good, someone owes me money. So, you can go to the ball, Cinders and Tiny Tim, we can eat goose this Christmas. I'll just pop down to St James' Park and slay a few. I have a raincoat

Bugger me! There's no footie on tonight!

It is now safe to picnic in the Bavarian Alps again. There's a towel sale on at the local Lidl.

Tom and Dick? I'd have had a note from my mum excusing me that game and the test of the World Cup Finals

Football's coming home. Praise the Lord. And it's available in a vestry near you. So, take off that wimple and rosary and get your scarves out.

Longest day a bit of a washout. Don't worry, says Stephen Hawking, next year it'll be 250 degrees! (I have all their records at home)

Ice cream at tourist prices on sale outside one of our leading museums. Shame, because I'd saved up all my farthings and for what? An ice cream you could put in your eye. I think I have conjunctivitis.

I will be watching Germany vs Ecuador tomorrow. I shall have some spare pants in my Bayern Munich rucksack in case the ones I plan to wear are verboten. Gotterdammerung, I shall.

Land has been sold on the Moon. What would the neighbours be like, because I haven't got anything in green.

Phew wot a scorcher! The heatwave continues in London. However, look at those dark clouds and where's my cuddly green frog when I need it?

Khan; Lahm; Schweinsteiger; Podoloski; Santa Cruz; Dos Santos; Hargreaves; Lucio; Ze Roberto; Sagnol; Karimi. My dream team - and no ballacks!

Dinosaurs are back - and this time they're angry

Genghis Khan missed a trick. Never mind needless violence, he should have invaded each country he did and just had a nice cup of tea with the warring parties.

Tomorrow is the 6th of the 6th 2006. Prepare for the smell of Dettol!

"Stars in their eyes" may stop being broadcast. I shall be selling my TV licence at the next available car boot sale.

So close are we to goats DNA that soon not eating cardigans will be a thing of the past.