I belong to two gyms. This does not mean I have a six-pack.  I still sport a stomach more like a Watney’s Party Seven.  To be more precise, I belong to the same gym, but attend two different branches.  One in the City.  One

Occasionally I am entrusted to get the shopping.  It is never the weekly shop (this would be too onerous anyway) as I would not complete collecting the entire list contents as I would get bored and assume that meat, cooking essentials such as la

Never having taken cannabis at school, further education college or playgroup means I shall never hold a post in the new Gordon “Hash” Brown cabinet – or appear in a secret drawer inside the cabinet.However, assuming these adolescen

I work in a building where you need a security pass.  It sits in my pocket and allows me to go through the doors on the ground floor and the floor where I work, but will restrict my access to other floors.  Therefore, if all the traps are f

My mother always told me that if I used toilets other than my own I would contract some virulent form of a sexually-transmitted disease.  My mother was an expert in tropical and rare diseases and would spookily develop early symptoms of any dise

Typical!  The day I decide to take up a pipe (you can’t beat sucking on an old churchwarden) a national smoking ban in England has stopped me in my rolled-up-pieces-of-old-shag stride and I will now have to seek out a new hobby which is bo